My story is complicated, simple, beautiful, tragic, magical, heart wrenching, timeless and short-lived all rolled up into one. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of many things. I dreamed that one day I would get married to the man of my dreams. I dreamed of having babies and raising a family. I dreamed of owning my own home. I dreamed of being a professional singer and songwriter. I was beautifully blessed to have not one, but all four of my dreams come true. But never in my wildest dreams did I envision what my future had in store for me. Not only would I find all four dreams granted, (and so much more along the way) but I would also endure them all being snatched away in a split second.
Justin and I by no means lived your “average” life. We didn’t follow the “rules”. I guess you could say we made our own set of rules. From the very beginning, we went completely against the grain and set out on a journey that was ours alone. We started dating at 14 (me) and 16 (him) and continued to do so until society deemed us old enough to finally marry. We then decided we were by no means ready for a family. Instead, we wanted to pursue a lifelong dream to be ROCK STARS. This soon became a reality of sorts. We were in no way celebrity rock n rollers, but we did have our own band, we traveled and were able to support ourselves on the one thing we loved most. The biggest perk of all was we got to do it together.
Our next big joy in life was when we decided we were ready for a family. We had saved money so we could purchase our first home to have the perfect place to start our family. Not even a month after getting settled into our new home we received some wonderful news. Yup, we were officially going to be parents!!! Like any expecting parents, we put our heart and soul into fixing up our place for our little bundle of joy. We decided “he” was going to be named Jaxon Ryder Ayers and now all we had to do was wait. Well, June 14, 2014, he was here, and he was perfect. We had to stay in the hospital for two days due to a few minor complications, but on the third we were home free. We were so excited to be in our own house with our bundle of joy. For the next week, Justin decided on canceling all band gigs and his guitar students to stay home with Jax and I. Our life would be perfection and we’d be together in our beautiful baby cocoon.
Nearly hours after being home from the hospital (less than 24 to be exact), I lost my husband to circumstances that will haunt me forever and a lifetime. Justin, Jax, and I were all gathered (along with three other family members) in our living room when we heard a shatter and then a pop. What started out as a simple startle would in seconds turn to shock, tragedy, chaos, heartbreak, and fear. My backyard neighbor, who was a convicted felon in a drunken stupor, decided to play around with his 9mm gun. He claims he dropped the gun as it discharged, but pure science and gravity do not support this claim. Whatever the truth may be, the consequences are no different. Once the bullet left the barrel of the gun, it went through my neighbor’s screen door, traveled over 50 yards while dodging dozens of full grown trees, crashed into my double pane glass door and blinds, only stopping after striking Justin in the head, nearly seconds after he stood up. Investigators say the bullet had a one in infinity chance of hitting and killing him. My life (and so many others) was forever changed and now Jax will go his entire life on this earth without a father due to one man’s irresponsible actions.
Now here I am, feeling like I have reverted back to that little girl again. What could my future hold and what kind of dreams should I dare have? It’s hard to even think of smiling without the scarce reality that could always rear its ugly head at any moment. Anything can happen, even “The Impossible”. “The Impossible” is precisely what happened to my husband Justin. Now I must go on and live a life far from perfect and miles away from beautiful. While it does continue to maintain beautiful qualities (Jax my son), it is not without the constant reminder 0f the dark empty hole that will remain in my heart forever.