Justin and Jessica maternity photoMy story is complicated, simple, beautiful, tragic, magical, heart wrenching, timeless and short-lived all rolled up into one. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of many things. I dreamed that one day I would get married to the man of my dreams. I dreamed of having babies and raising a family. I dreamed of owning my own home. I dreamed of being a professional singer and songwriter. I was beautifully blessed to have not one, but all four of my dreams come true. But never in my wildest dreams did I envision what my future had in store for me. Not only would I find all four dreams granted, (and so much more along the way) but I would also endure them all being snatched away in a split second.

Justin and I by no means lived your “average” life. We didn’t follow the “rules”. I guess you could say we made our own set of rules. From the very beginning, we went completely against the grain and set out on a journey that was ours alone. We started dating at 14 (me) and 16 (him) and continued to do so until society deemed us old enough to finally marry. We then decided we were by no means ready for a family. Instead, we wanted to pursue a lifelong dream to be ROCK STARS. This soon became a reality of sorts. We were in no way celebrity rock n rollers, but we did have our own band, we traveled and were able to support ourselves on the one thing we loved most. The biggest perk of all was we got to do it together.

Our next big joy in life was when we decided we were ready for a family. We had saved money so we could purchase our first home to have the perfect place to start our family. Not even a month after getting settled into our new home we received some wonderful news. Yup, we were officially going to be parents!!! Like any expecting parents, we put our heart and soul into fixing up our place for our little bundle of joy. We decided “he” was going to be named Jaxon Ryder Ayers and now all we had to do was wait. Well, June 14, 2014, he was here, and he was perfect. We had to stay in the hospital for two days due to a few minor complications, but on the third we were home free. We were so excited to be in our own house with our bundle of joy. For the next week, Justin decided on canceling all band gigs and his guitar students to stay home with Jax and I. Our life would be perfection and we’d be together in our beautiful baby cocoon.

Nearly hours after being home from the hospital (less than 24 to be exact), I lost my husband to circumstances that will haunt me forever and a lifetime. Justin, Jax, and I were all gathered (along with three other family members) in our living room when we heard a shatter and then a pop. What started out as a simple startle would in seconds turn to shock, tragedy, chaos, heartbreak, and fear. My backyard neighbor, who was a convicted felon in a drunken stupor, decided to play around with his 9mm gun. He claims he dropped the gun as it discharged, but pure science and gravity do not support this claim. Whatever the truth may be, the consequences are no different. Once the bullet left the barrel of the gun, it went through my neighbor’s screen door, traveled over 50 yards while dodging dozens of full grown trees, crashed into my double pane glass door and blinds, only stopping after striking Justin in the head, nearly seconds after he stood up. Investigators say the bullet had a one in infinity chance of hitting and killing him. My life (and so many others) was forever changed and now Jax will go his entire life on this earth without a father due to one man’s irresponsible actions.

Now here I am, feeling like I have reverted back to that little girl again. What could my future hold and what kind of dreams should I dare have? It’s hard to even think of smiling without the scarce reality that could always rear its ugly head at any moment. ¬†Anything can happen, even “The Impossible”. “The Impossible” is precisely what happened to my husband Justin. Now I must go on and live a life far from perfect and miles away from beautiful. While it does continue to maintain beautiful qualities (Jax my son), it is not without the constant reminder 0f the dark empty hole that will remain in my heart forever.

12 thoughts on “About”

  1. I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I too am 33 years old, and lost my husband 3 years ago to drugs and a suicide. We started dating when we were 18 years of age, had a baby girl at 21, married at 24 and a widow at 30. I have had to pretty much re-learn life. I was so dependent on my husband for 12 years and then poof he was gone. Anyway, I just wanted you to know there is someone out there that can relate in some way to how you are feeling and if you ever need to vent or anything at all, please don’t hesitate to email or whatever. I can say that it does get easier. You will never forget and will never lose the love you have for him, but it does get easier to wake up and live life. <3 ~Megan

  2. I will never forget the joy you two brought to my daughter ‘s wedding! You have such a gift so go out and make some dreams girl!
    Give Jax a big hug for me. If you ever need anything please let us know!

  3. So very sorry for your loss . My niece lives there Tiffany Enfinger and she told her mom and I of this terrible tragedy .. I hope you find some comfort in that sweet child you and your husband brought into this world

  4. My son looked up to Justin as a guitar teacher and was inspired by him immensely to believe he also could do great in life. I am so sorry for your loss.

  5. I had the pleasure of knowing Justin from birth. His grandma Ruby was my cousin…making him my 3rd cousin. His sweet mom Vicki, She’s just precious. I pray for you and Jax daily. May God continue to give you strength. Love and prayers to you.

  6. I love you so much Jessica, you are such a strong beautiful person. I think about you often. I love the pictures you post of Jax, he looks like his daddy and i think he is going to keep you very busy.? there are no words that will make any of it better but im so sorry. I lost my daughters dad when she was all most 3. Its not easy, but you live through them and for them. I love you

  7. Just came across your blog. There are more of us out here than you know. I lost my husband 10 days before my due date of our first and only child It’s been over 23 years now and I still can’t wrap my head around the experience what should have been the best day of my life and the worst day of my life of my life at the same time. I moved on and married again and was widowed again. Lightning does indeed strike twice in the same place. Am in a committed relationship now but will never marry again.

  8. I am so sorry to hear your story. I can totally understand you. I got title WIDOW when I was 25 years old, after a year of our marriage. I was pregnant when I lost my husband died in a car accident. My son was born after 4 month of hid dad’s death. They never saw each other…
    Life was so difficult for me…

Leave a Reply